2016 VMAs: Missed Shots and Bey Slay

MTV doesn’t play music videos. They don’t even play music. The fact MTV still does the VMAs is absurd. I am the definition of the lapsed MTV viewer. The last time that I actively devoted my time to MTV was when the great RJ Berger used to bless channel with his greatness.

*pours our liquor*
*pours our liquor*

I find more entertainment value in fence painting than watching the VMAs. I’ll catch clips of the things that trended over the years, but I couldn’t care less about the show. This year, I decided to be social at work for once and eat my lunch in the communal break room where this year’s VMAs would undoubtedly be on repeat all night. Curiosity is a killer, and I gave MTV my attention for, quite possibly the last time.

Beyoncé owns MTV

Beyoncé performed Lemonade. Which songs? DAMN NEAR THE ENTIRE ALBUM! She had fifteen uninterrupted minutes to be as Beyoncé as humanly possible, and she did not disappoint her Beyhive. My Beygency Sleeper Agent status is well documented, but fifteen minutes is an entire quarter of football that I could have been watching. Her performance was amazing, and generated enough gifs to last BuzzFeed through the harshest of winters.

SHE WAS A LITERAL FIRE EMOJI!!!
SHE WAS A LITERAL FIRE EMOJI!!!

To cap off her night, Beyoncé won Video of the Year. I thought Bey dipped. There’s no way that she would still be in the building after murdering it. Not only did she stay, but she slayed! Bey wore a dress that was made out of freshly plucked Angel Wing Feathers that was soaked in White Tears and formed out of the ether using Black Girl Magic.

What is Kanye West becoming?

I have no idea why Kanye continues to do the things that he does. I have no idea what he said before he debuted the video to “Fade”. What does a Flashdancing, soaking wet, half nekkid Teyana Taylor have to do with anything? I certainly hope that all of that gym equipment was wiped down! The music video is four minutes long, and four minutes, I was captivated. I suppose that was the point. One fact is that Teyana Taylor’s body has insane post-pregnancy recovery time, B. #Gainz. Didn’t need to see the Power-esque sex scene with Iman Shumpert at the end, but whatever gets you to trend, I guess…

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS!!!
I DON’T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS!!!

I love Kanye’s music, even if I don’t fully understand it. Well, I don’t love his music. I love his production. I hate his lyrics. He’s a grown ass married man and a father of two, yet his lyrics and behavior resembles someone who’s afraid to grow older. He’s still as misogynistic as ever, and I can’t enjoy that part of his music. It’s pretty disgusting to listen to. The Life of Pablo was a chance for him to show growth, yet the first lyric that I heard from a track was about him having sex with a model whose anus was bleached. Even during his stream-of-consciousness speech, he started to reference the gun violence in Chicago, but his narcissism wouldn’t allow him to actually speak up about something meaningful.

Drake went Full Aubrey

Drake presented the Michael Jackson something or another thingy to Rihanna, and it took him a fortnight to actually give it to her. Homie came out rocking his bar mitzvah tuxedo, a lopsided beard, and was drenched in flop sweat. Drake is usually over-confident, but he was hella-nervous trying to give an award to RiRi. It seemed like he was fighting with himself on whether or not he was going to propose to her or something (IDK and IDC if they’re dating). He finally took his shot from half court and dropped the awkward “I like you like you” move from the days of AIM chats. Rihanna hit him with the “read text” face, and curved him into oblivion when he tried to lean in for a kiss.

I. LAUGHED. SO. DAMN. HARD!
Epic Moment in Friend Zone History right here, B

Mister “you don’t have to do this” himself went down like the Hindenburg on live television. I’m not laughing at his miss. I’m not mad at him for taking the shot. All shots are worth shooting regardless of the accuracy. I just couldn’t believe how incredi-bad the entire thing was.

DJ Khaled has become self-aware

DJ Khaled became a meme for life with his absurd music video skits. There’s few memes that rank higher than “Another One” in my book. Usually, memes live in infamy, while the person who inspired it fades to black. Not DJ Khaled. Homie has leaned all the way in to the point where he only speaks in his own memes. Every time that they cut to him to introduce someone, he just kept talking in DJ Khaleese. He’s aware of his ridiculousness, and he’s turned it into a gimmick where it cannot be used against him anymore. He’s B. Rabbit in 8-Mile. He stopped being DJ Khaled, and has become The Internet’s DJ Khaled.

I’m way too old for the VMAs.

Top 40 music never did it for me, and this year’s VMAs didn’t change that. Brittney Spears lip-synched through yet another warbling comeback song, and I couldn’t care less. Some white dude started rapping with her, and she seemed to be trying to actively jerk him off onstage.

She was following Queen Sheba Overlord Beyoncé, so she was trying to do her best to trend. Rapper guy tried to kiss her at the end (shoot your shot, Pleghboi) but like Drake, was also turned down.

White people version of
Son, what were you thinking?

I watched Jimmy Fallon, Jay Pharaoh, Nicole Byer, and Key & Peele over-stay their welcome. Jimmy seemed like the only one even semi-interested in trying. The jokes were uninspired and all over the place. As a fan of all of them, it was painful to watch.

Where were the rock or country categories? No Taylor Swift? This show was very Black, from the hosts to the performers. The show seemed very catered to Black Twitter and its ilk. Interesting…

I didn’t watch everything, and I damn sure do not have a desire to do so.. I won’t say that I wouldn’t ever dip my toe in the VMA pool again, but if Home Depot runs out of paint, I guess I could tune in for a second or two.

-2 Fingaz

I’m a Level 30 Black Man from The Bronx who loves to criticize everything within a 50 block radius. You won’t find pork on my fork, I rate things on a scale of five, and I’m a sleeper Bey Hive Agent.

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