Another Open Letter to Steph Curry

Dear Steph Curry:

I wrote to you this time last year, when you made it to the NBA Finals. I wrote all about how you’re my current favorite player, how upset I was when you were drafted one spot ahead of my beloved, if not cursed, Knicks team. I expressed my admiration of your success on and off the court. I even expressed my complete and utter abhorrence for J.R. Smith and how I don’t want to live in a world where he is an NBA Champion. That letter was lost in the ether, but not lost in my heart. I was esctatic when you completed your mission and won the title. I felt that even though you may or may not have read that letter, it’s existence somehow propelled you and your team to victory.

Well, here we are a year later, in yet another NBA Finals against the same team you faced last year. And here I am, driving yet another Golden State Warriors Bandwagon and cheering for you and your team to defeat the evil Cleveland Cavaliers. My reasons sort of mirror the ones from last year, but this one has a couple of additions. So, if you would bear with me, sir.

First, your family is absolutely adorable. Your daughters are precious gems from God. Your wife is super dope. I’m sure you know these things, and I’m sure that many people told you this, but it needs to be repeated until the end of time, Mr. Curry. Your wife gets a bad rep for inciting respectability politics, where all that she did was state a simple opinion about fashion as it relates to her. She’s done her best to deflect the people who tried to get at her, and equally distanced herself from the goons on Hotep Twitter who tried to crown her the Intercontinental Champion of Respectable Black Women. But honestly, who can hate a wife who does this after you lose a game?

On the Black Power Couple Scale, you and Ayesha are scratching the top five, behind Will & Jada, Jay & Bey, the dubious Huxtables, Dwayne Wayne and Whitley, and The Obamas, A second championship win would propel you both to heights never seen before.

Second, I just do not want to see LeBron James aka Floppy McFlopperton bring Cleveland a championship. After the owner, Dan Gilbert, publicized basketball’s greatest break-up letter, he welcomed his ex back after he went and sowed his seed all over Miami. I don’t want Cleveland to win. I prefer the narrative of Cleveland being a city of losers, minus current UFC Heavyweight Champion, Stipe Miocic, of course. He’d kick both of our asses.

I’m also tired of the self-proclaimed “greatest player on the planet” (unfortunately, Steph, he still is) resorting to horrible flops, despite being 6’8, 260 lbs and built like a panzer tank. He shouldn’t have to play so dirty, but he does. I can almost guarantee that he’s going to pull one of his epic flop jobs while you’re shooting a three. I can imagine him flopping himself into the third row after you shoot a three from half court. He’s a pretty great actor. He was one of the two good things about the movie Trainwreck, and he’s about to do Space Jam 2.

Shoryuken!

At this point, if you don’t win, I won’t be as disappointed as I would have been last year. I just want you to be as successful as possible. Black people need you. In a world with Bill Cosby, Tiger Woods, and Love and Basketball Hip Hop Wives of Ray J, we need more success stories. It’s you, Beyonce, and Barack Obama. That’s what we have.

You read that right, Steve.

Oprah can’t stop screaming about how much she loves bread. Donald Trump is a few short months away from being President of the United States. People are still shooting guns in school. A kid fell into a zoo enclosure, and for some reason, his father’s criminal record is the reason the gorilla was killed. It’s pretty Memphis Bleek right now, and we need more wins. You and your jumpshot are one of the most pure things that we have right now, and we need to protect and preserve you as long as possible.

I really love your team. Mark Jackson Steve Kerr did a great job teaching you about grittiness and protecting each other shooting as many threes as humanly possible. People keep comparing Klay Thompson to Jon B, and Draymond “Low Blow” Green to Welven da Great…. well, maybe that would explain why he loves kicking people in the nuts…

GOT EEEM!!!

Finally, I just really hate J.R. Smith. He doesn’t deserve to win a free Big Mac during Monopoly Month at McDonald’s, let alone a championship. Please dot his eyes in this series.

You did it before, Steph. You can do it again. Go Dubs!

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