I’ve been married to my lovely wife, Tai, for almost three years. We’re officially no longer “newlyweds,” and have settled into our married life. We’re happy. Very happy, in fact. Saying “I do” was the best thing that we’ve ever done. We enjoy date nights out, and enjoy Netflix and chill nights in (where we actually chill on the couch and watch Netflix). We already have so many adventures together, and we have plans for a lifetime more. One adventure that we haven’t had is having a child.
The “when are you going to have kids?” and its various expressions havc been asked ad nauseam ever since we were engaged. At first, it was flattering. People love seeing happiness, and the expected thing to do once a couple gets married is to produce churren. I have played with the answer here and there. “Heh heh, practice makes perfect (winky face)” is a fun go-to. Three years later, it’s the most annoying question that anyone can ask me. I’ve gone from playfully answering with the lighthearted-yet-annoyed tone to resisting the urge to stomp someone out with my Timbs and throwing a fully loaded Chopped Cheese in their face. It’s irritating, it’s disrespectful, and it’s none of your damn business, B!
You ain’t helping us raise them!
Outside of select family and friends, you’re not going to be involved in raising our keedz. You won’t volunteer a single second of your time to help us change diapers. You don’t have “raising kids money” to be constantly nagging us about them. You’re not going to be on standby when Tai and I need a minute to sleep through the night. You’re not going to do anything more than “like” their photos on social media. You only care as long as you don’t have to do any of the work.
What if we’re trying?
There are couples out there who want to conceive, but cannot, and it sucks. What sucks worse is having to live with that reality, and constantly be inundated with questions like “why don’t you have any lil’ ones yet?” Would you be willing to deal with the crippling reality that they face? Would you be willing to help them through the process of accepting that truth? It’s something that people don’t consider when they ask. Maybe if they did, the question wouldn’t be so frequent.
What if we don’t want any?
There are couples who do not want to have churren for many reasons. Tai and I could be content with our family as it is. We may become so despondent with the state of the world as it is that we may not want to bring in anymore human beings to experience this garbage with us. We may not be willing to deal with terrible twos, or date rape, or Santa Claus, or helping them with their existentialism. That’s our right. We don’t have to have keedz if we don’t want to, and we don’t have to answer to you.
What if we asked you about yourself?
If I wanted to be Dark Wiggz, things could become ridiculously petty. Questions that I have thought of asking people, but didn’t include:
Why are you lying on social media, Beth?
When are you getting a damn job, Craig?
Why don’t you claim your three estranged kids, Roberto?
Why are you so obviously extra, Roger?
When are you going to realize that you’re the problem in your relationships, Linda?
Tai and I deal with the churren question more than enough times to be sick of it. We have a plan. That plan has a schedule. That schedule is paramount to the success of our plan. Doing anything to upset that plan will throw everything out of whack. The last thing that we are ready for right now are churren, and we don’t have to explain why to anyone.
Ultimately, it’s rude to ask such a personal question. Let us live. We’re doing fine. I get that churren bring about an immeasurable amount of joy. I get that people want to share in anyone’s happiness. It’s appreciated, fam, it truly is. We just need you to understand that sharing in a couple’s happiness doesn’t have to mean that you must know about every aspect of it. You don’t know what they’re going through behind the scenes. Your questions, while innocent on the surface, may awaken some deeply rooted issues that they may not be willing to share with you. Share in their love, but don’t be invasive.
When the time comes, you’ll know. Trust me, I’ll be out of control then!