This years Wrestlemania has been built with mud and twigs. The card is the weakest in years. Fan excitement is at an all-time low. The actual roster has been depleted, and plans have been changed repeatedly. One thing is for sure: WWE is going to attempt to shove 90,000 people into AT&T Stadium, and call it 100K. This will be a financial success. The live gate will be huge. And Wrestlemania 32 with its weak build, underwhelming card, and asinine booking will have every bell and every whistle possible to try and make it a memorable show. Here are my predictions:
World Title Match – Triple H (c) v Roman Reigns
HHH’s ego won’t allow him to ever have a bad Wrestlemania match. Last year, he wrestled Sting in a match that was technically sub-par, but with the attachments of the nWo and DX run-ins, it had enough juice for it to be entertaining. HHH will put on his Ring General Jacket (shout out to Chris Daniels) and try to do what WWE has failed to do for the last two years: Get Roman Reigns over.
The fact is that the Roman Empire has failed. He’s simply not the guy, and I feel bad for him. He’s only done what he’s been told to do, and unfortunately, they wanted him to be a Cena-clone instead of his own man. Reigns would benefit very much from a heel turn a la The Rock when he joined the Nation of Domination and saved his career. WWE likely won’t do it. The match itself will be fine, but Texas isn’t ever going to give Reigns the love that WWE wants him to have. It also doesn’t help that Reigns is already a two-time champion. This chase would mean so much more if he seemed hungry for it, but they never told that story. The match is more about the feud than it is about the title.
Fantasy Booking: HBK runs in and superkicks Reigns. Steve Austin runs in and stuns HBK. The Rock runs in and gives HBK a People’s Elbow. Reigns turns on both Austin and The Rock. He Superman Punches Austin (IN TEXAS), and spears The Rock to death, turns heel, wins title. The babyface roster runs out, and Reigns eats them all, until one person comes out and stops the carnage… AN HIS NAME IS JOHN CENAAAAAA!!!!
Winner: Reigns wins after five spears.
Hell in a Cell – Undertaker v Shane McMahon (Career vs Company)
The booking for this match has made no sense from the word go. Shane came back to a massive return pop, and was put in a match by Vince for control of Raw. Inexplicably, the match was against Undertaker, and inside of Hell in a Cell. There was a lock box plot device that has seemingly been dropped. Undertaker, with literally nothing to gain, is assigned as Vince’s proxy, and he goes with it despite claiming that he’s not. Telling the story backwards, Vince belatedly attached a stipulation that if Taker loses, he’ll be forced to retire.
IDK what’s happening here, but I hate this match for many reasons. First, despite Undertaker being a demonic hell spawn immortal zombie with a Texas drawl, Shane McMahon isn’t afraid of him. Shane isn’t a wrestler, and he should be afraid of Taker. Second, Shane’s striking is atrocious. Third, Taker not once had a reason to care about this match until the retirement stip was added all late and shit. Fourth, this won’t even be a “match” but a spectacle where everyone will sit on their hands and wait until Shane decides to jump off of some really tall object and damn near kill himself for a fleeting glory pop.
Finally, regardless of who wins, the fans lose. If Shane wins, it not only retires Undertaker, but it gives him a second loss at a Wrestlemania; Brock Fucking Lesnar and Shane Fucking McMahon. What a list. On the flip side, if Undertaker wins, then we’ll be subjected to MORE Authority bullshit that’s currently drowning the product.
Fantasy Booking: Vince interferes, and has a change of heart. He begs Taker to stop murdering Shane. Taker ultimately Tombstones Vince, the story being that Vince’s character is killed by his greatest gimmick, in front of the largest crowd gathered to watch at his greatest show.
Winner: I don’t even care, let’s say Shane.
NoDQ Match – Brock Lesnar v Dean Ambrose
The story of Dean being the plucky, Teflon underdog who cannot die will be the main thread in this match. Brock will murder him with everything possible. Dean will keep getting up and do wacky shit. Wash, rinse, repeat, until Brock puts the final nail in Dean’s coffin. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a fire spot. They’re teasing fucking CHAINSAWS so it’s the least that they can do!
Fantasy Booking: New Jack comes out and leads a parade of hardcore icons that include Terry Funk, Mick Foley, Tommy Dreamer, and RVD. Tommy eats an F5, just because.
Winner: Brock via F5 on a bed of spikes.
Non Title Match – New Day (c) vs League of Nations
New Day have beat The League of Jobbers in the ring and on the mic for a month straight. This will basically be a fifteen long New Day promo where they do all of the Black Nerdy Twitter things possible. I will laugh my ass off. The Rock will give New Day the big babyface push by giving Barrett the Rock Bottom and dancing with them afterward.
Fantasy Booking: Xavier Woods plays the Jigglypuff theme on the trombone and will actually put Rusev to sleep. The commentary team will continue not to get New Day’s references.
Winner: New Day
Divas Title Match – Charlotte (c) v Becky Lynch v Sasha Banks
If Sasha Banks doesn’t come out to the ring with her cousin, Snoop Dogg, that’ll be one hell of a missed opportunity. This match has the best chance to steal the show, and I hope that they’re allowed to do their NXT work here to actually “revolutionize” women’s wrestling in WWE. Sasha should win here. She’s due for a huge push, and it feels like it’ll start here.
Fantasy Booking: Sasha wins, throws down the “Divas” title the next night on Raw, declares herself the “Women’s” Champion, and starts a feud with the debuting Bayley.
Winner: Sasha Banks
Chris Jericho v AJ Styles
I’m probably looking forward to this match the least. They’ve already had four matches in this feud, and this one will just be another match, just at Wrestlemania. No gimmick, no extra attachments. They’ll work very hard and the match will be good, maybe great. Jericho will put over AJ, since he’s a great veteran. AJ will hopefully move on to something more substantial, and hopefully not end up like Fandango or Heath Slater.
Winner: AJ Styles
IC Title Ladder Match – Kevin Owens v Sami Zayn, featuring the Heroes of Main Event
It’s pretty dope that El Generico and Kevin Steen are making their Wrestlemania debut together. Can’t be happier for them. Would have loved this to be Zayn vs KO solo, but Zayn hasn’t been established on the main roster yet for that match to mean anything (barely half of the Raw audience watches NXT, and even less than that have ever watched ROH, get over it, Marks). The theme of the night is “this will be entertaining.” Hopefully, either SZ or KO win. Shout out to Sami, putting on his working shoes with SHINSUKE NAMAKURA on Friday, and then getting in a ladder match two days later.
Fantasy Booking: Zack Ryder is pushed off a ladder to the floor, with JBL screaming “that’s the biggest push of Ryder’s career, Maggle!”
Winner: Kevin Owens
US TItle Match – Kalisto (c) v Ryback
They need to piss or get off the pot with Kalisto. He’s amazing. Take the shackles off of him and let him go! Ryback should do a good job of working the David/Goliath story with him, but no one will actually watch this match.
Fantasy Booking: Ryback comes out wearing a Lucha Underground shirt, gets on the mic and screams “I’m not a Big Guy…. I’M A MACHINNNNEEEE!!!!”
Andre The Giant Battle Royal
The rest of the roster, minus Titus O’Neal, battle for the King of the Undercard Championship. Meh…
Winner: Mark Henry. He retires, in Texas, winning a match that ultimately doesn’t matter. Give him the “Thank You” moment that he deserves and move on.
Team BAD and Blonde vs Team Total Divas
A match with no consequences, which features the legitimate top heel in the company, Eva Marie, on the babyface side. If they learn how to utilize her go-away heat, they can build her up to be on the level of Vickie Guerrero. THAT woman got HEAT!
Winner: Total Divas; Nattie puts Tamina in the Sharpshooter
Despite this Wrestlemania seeming so dull going in, it’ll likely be a fun show, regardless. The Rock, Stone Cold, HBK, and possibly Cena will all find their way on the show in some form. Every match that seems like it could suck will have some kind of “Wrestlemania Moment” attached to it to bring it up. Orton/Seth had that crazy ass RKO. Brock/Reigns had the Seth Cash In. HHH/Sting had the faction run ins. The plans changed dramatically from what this could have been six months ago. The roster is being held together with bubblegum and masking tape, and the lackluster Creative hasn’t helped. This is a show where they NEED to hit a homerun. A bunch of homeruns. And a couple of touchdowns. And an extra point for good measure. They need to hit the reset button here in the worst way possible. We’ll see come Sunday what the company’s direction will be.
- 2 Fingaz